Today, I'm here with a very weird idea in my mind which I've been carrying with me for a long long time. Today, I addressed myself with the word 'author'. I never used to call myself a writer! I've been dreaming (completely conscious dreams, which means I never dreamed of being a writer when I'm asleep) of being a writer since I began to think about writing the 'about me' column for my orkut profile. I tried my level best in framing and re-framing it and one day, I realized a fact that there is a limit for about me column in orkut and it is 2048 characters. From that day onwards, the about me column of my orkut profile used to have perfectly 2048 characters. Later, I came to be aware that the facility called blogging is available in the internet and I begun with a blogger ID in the may of 2007 (information from my blogger profile). okay!!! To be honest, I'm going to write about myself in this page!! All the weak hearts who can't tolerate the story of 'limitless awesomeness' and 'honest pride' can navigate away from here as fast as possible!!
In the opening section of by blogging history, I wrote a post which describes my personal experience in a personality development class, which I've deleted because of unforgivable grammatical errors and orderless arrangement of sentences. I deleted a some other posts because of the same reason and I still got a lot of blog posts in drafts awaiting my permission to release. Why do I blog? I do not have an answer for that question but, I can tell one thing. It created a lot of pride and jealousy in my mind when I first saw my 'about me' column in my friend's about me column. It was certainly not an art of literature and literature has nothing to do with what I do here!! I'm not a good reader of books and I never used to talk to anyone in English but, I'm proud to say that I can handle some sort of understandable English!! I can't handle English as easy as I handle my mother tongue but, I used to be jealous of myself when I hear that my writings inspires some people even if the number is just too little. I got a lot of random things to talk and I just used this facility to do what I got to talk. Presently, I got 22 followers for my blog. I do not know whether they are reading what I'm writing but, there are some honest criticizers which I always liked to have. I thank them for inspiring me.
I've been a thinker for the last few years and I personally believe that the hobby of thinking affected my studies as well. What changed me when I started blogging is a fact that I tried to think in English as it could be helpful for my 'English blog'. I never used to have a target for readers but, I honestly believed that my blog is a reflection of what I always liked to do or a shadow of what I liked to be. I've managed to post almost 30 blog posts so far which I call 'achievements'. Mostly, I used to write only when I'm free to do anything. My laptop was like a part of my body for the last one-one and a half years and I've spent a lot of time in-front of it just looking at the home pages of orkut and facebook! In my sleepless nights I used to type like what I'm doing right now. I never had an objective, I never had an ambition, just a failed attempt to show what I am.
To be honest, I always used to have promoters in my life. I always had some friends who used to support me but, up here, amongst the 22 followers, 18 were unknown to me. I found my interests through blogging which I could say that I've always liked to be a criticizer of many subjects. The most important subject which I've criticized in my life is 'myself'. I used to write my thoughts and experiences in another blog which is known to some of my completely unknown internet friends. I always believed that I have a point of view for everything I see in my life. Most of the subjects were 'none of my businesses' some others were social issues and to be completely honest, I should have survived even if there was no blogging on earth. But, I'm inspired by some people in internet and somehow, I believe that I used to underestimate myself. Anyway, I would like to add an image of a comment which I've received a few months before...
I thank the one who has written this comment here for motivating me to remain here. I had an introduction text box in the left portion of my blog with my confession about my language and depth of the content. It was weird, I know and I removed it recently. This made me believe that I've been underestimating myself for a long time. But, I still like to add a text box to my blog as it was a truth. In my analysis, I concluded that I still like to be a Malayalam writer than this blog and I will start writing one soon. I know exactly what I'm doing here. At this very moment, I still ask myself "Am I capable enough to convey the exact meaning of what I think in my mind?" and the answer is still a "No". This is not a point with inferiority, superiority or negative thoughts. I could do better! I can do a lot better than what I have ever done in my life. But, I do not want to expose beyond my limit and that comment is still an inspiration to write new posts.
In the early phase of blogging, I wrote a post about "Public Performance" and I was the only visitor of my blog. But, one day, an orkut friend came to me and asked "Where did you copy all these from?" and I was so astonished to hear it as I never copied anything from anyone. After 2 years of an almost successful blogging history, I still can't find much difference in my language from what I was and what I am. My language is still lucid and that can be because of my lack of a reading habit. I still do not know whether I maintain a good grammar or not!! I think, I've written more than I read in my life. But, I still used to see some astonished faces whenever I say that I am not a reader of books.Why do I write? I write because I got a lot more than what I really express in my external performances!! If I'm about to do something completely different, I should never have a role model, isn't it? I might be wrong but, that's what I am trying to be!
with uttermost sincerity,
Raghu.
