May 24, 2011

A completely personal note

Right now, I am at a very confused state of mind. To be frank, I got no idea of what I am doing here now. I'm here for the last four years by now. I mean,  my blogger id exists since 2007. But, what did I really gain by this? I do not know. I am getting recognized a bit. People know me better through internet while I always believed that creating too much of personalization of internet is not good for us. Internet is supposed to be an information center, but just like my life. I am exactly what I do not like to be. There is a bit of disappointment when I say that the first thing I do on every morning is to check my pageviews in this site. Everybody like to get recognized and everybody may have a tendency to what I am doing, but I am totally aware that this is not going to change me or anyone in this world with this kind of effort. To be frank, I am tired of forcing me to think for this blog and that is not the way it should be. Writing is writing when we give the true heart into it and I am pretty sure that the only thing I have in my mind when I typed few previous posts was the traffic I am going to receive for the keywords I used in my post.

My mind was not here. Whenever I try to sit in front of the computer with an already opened edit post button, I really do not know what I am going to write or where I am going to reach. I definitely do not feel like writing when I post blogposts in this site. But, in a sense, I really expected me to be truthful to myself for many reasons. Today, I am not willing to continue like this and I definitely have a lot of things to criticize. I'm not that of an explosive writer, but this blog is not as dumb as it was. I used to receive comments from my friends who used to read this thing and I am perfectly aware that there are people who used to visit my site frequently(These days, you can't predict how perfect some traffic monitoring tools are). I'm almost sure that I am supposed to do this for myself not for anyone else, but I feel so silly and immature when I write like this here. I can do a lot better than what I've ever done here and that is the real reason behind this post.

What do I really mean by this? Actually, I do not know the real intention of this blog. Even though, I used to say that my intentions has changed by the course of time, but I faced an unanswerable question 'do I really had an intention for this blog?'! Have I ever had a good feedback about this blog? Yes, there were, but today it is more like a mirror(I say and thats what I am). I've heard that my subjects are too heavy but I would like to inform that I can handle a lot depressive heavier topics than what I've ever wrote about. I could not say that I've worked enough to write something like what I did here. I can't say that I really like what I am doing here, but I really liked the way I influenced people and I will not be able to do it forever. These things doesn't really make sense to me. I have a lot to write about myself than any other subjects and I have thought about myself than any other subjects. This is not really me what you are seeing. I should have done better.

I always used to hear that my language is powerful and there is a man who even said that I remind him of Clint Eastwood. That is really inspiring, but I couldn't really say that I have satisfied myself by doing almost senseless things I did here. Sometimes, I used to think that I can write a contradictory part just opposite to what I've written for every single post I've written here. It doesn't really make much sense to me and I really want to be a sense-maker to myself. I always used to write lengthy posts whenever I write about myself and my views in my personal blog and I do not want to call it a personal blog now, but I have a better view at myself. I am not saying that I am going to quit here. I would like to stay connected, but I would like to be myself also. So, I am stopping this artificial way of writing. It is time to do some serious stuff. I am a bit expressive when it comes to writing and I haven't gained anything special by being a blogger and I really do not expect it either. But, I would like to decrease the difference between this blog and myself.

I called my thoughts 'None of my business thoughts', but it is beginning to make sense now. Some of them really are 'none of my business'. I want to do what I am good at and presently, I believe that I have a good part in myself and I do not mind exploring those parts. Exploring the better part of me!!

Everything begins from yourself!!

Raghu